Doubts
by whimsical-summer
Summary: Natasha's experiences as a child shaped her to be different from normal children, but she wasn't as perfect a Black Widow as the Red Room thought. This short fic explores some of the worst events in her life, providing background as to why she was able to defect much later on. Final Chapter: Dreykov's daughter and the hospital fire.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers.**

**Hi! Okay, so this is my second Avengers fic, though it's much more serious and lengthier than the Thanksgiving Special. I've had this idea in my head since the summer, and I've been playing around with it and rearranging events and words until it's the best I can make it. This will either be a two- or three-parter. As you can see, it's in third person present, which I'm experimenting with but am also a little nervous about. The big story will start after this one is finished, and it won't be in present tense because honestly, I'm way more comfortable with past tense. ****This piece can be standalone or taken as part of a series. Please leave a review to let me know what you think. **

**Story Summary:**** This is the about the reasons and doubts that Black Widow had about her life even before Hawkeye offered her the choice, and why she said yes when he did. **

**Doubts: Part the First**

She was saved as a very young child. She does not remember much about her parents, and she is told she does not need to, but she sees them in her dreams: her mother's graceful body and soft blonde curls and her father's deep laugh, his warm embrace, and his red hair. When she wakes up, she is always ashamed to feel salty tears and she dashes them away before her roommates see them, but the tears will be there the next morning and the next. She does not tell anyone about her parents and no one asks.

**-Scene Break-**

Years pass, and the importance of Mother Russia is seared into her mind. She will die for Russia in a heartbeat, because that is noble and she must protect her country's sacred values.

She never fails, not in anything. By age six, she can shoot a gun, and her accuracy just keeps increasing until she becomes a perfect shot. By eight, she can handle knives the way the girls in the Outside play with dolls. She can speak fluent Arabic, German, English, Polish, and a host of other languages by the time she is eleven. By twelve, her ballet skills rival those of twenty-year-olds. No one can ever exactly match the way she fights, though many of the other girls in the Black Widow Program try. And when they start classes in seduction, she is good - very, very good.

Her instructors and her superiors do not give praise often, but when they do, they praise _her_, if only sparingly. A few times she has heard them whispering about the redhead, the _efficient_ one, the Romanova. She hides most of her pride, because she has been taught that pride in oneself is wrong; one can only have pride in the country. Most of the other girls ignore her, but she doesn't care because she can tell that they are jealous because she is neither the eldest nor the biggest but she is the best anyway.

At first, her missions were short and simple, and she was always guided step-by-step by one of her superiors through a tiny earpiece. The instructions were always "retrieve this stolen jewel," or "find this information." It was not until she turned twelve that she started assassinations, but once she did, she was the one, out of all the other girls, who got priority on those jobs. Eventually, they used the earpiece less and less, and now they never use it at all, allowing her to decide how she goes about her missions. She never makes mistakes, because mistakes are punishable, but more than that, she is perfect in the name of her country and her teachers are always talking amongst themselves about Natalya, their star, though they don't know that she hears them.

Katya Kiryakova is the only one who sits with her and talks to her, the one who whispers to her that she is a Romanova and that means that she is royalty, but no one else has ever told her that so she doesn't know if it's true. Katya certainly believes it is, though, and she will let her believe it.

She will never tell her, but Katya reminds her of her mother, with her pale hair and blue eyes. And even though it's ridiculous and she's tried telling her to stop being that way, Katya is somehow softer on the edges than any of them. It's not the fact that she's petite and delicate-looking, it's that she never snaps at anyone or says a mean or angry word behind someone's back. Of course, Katya is as hard as steel underneath and she can fight and kill almost as well as Natalya herself, but sometimes that physical strength is easy to overlook because it's buried so deep. She knows in the deepest part of her own being, though, that Katya is weak when she comforts one of the girls who has been punished, when she tells stories about heroes and princesses, quietly so that the instructors don't hear (they don't like anything fanciful), and when she laughs when the two of them are alone together. Natalya doesn't do the first two things, and if she laughs, it is seldom, and then she sounds dry and brittle compared to Katya, who always sounds as if she's singing. Even though she asks her to change for her own good, Natalya knows she never will and she is satisfied with that.

As the years go by, the girls go on missions, and some of them die. They are the ones who don't follow orders as well, the ones who aren't as strong as the rest. The four girls with whom Natalya and Katya share a bedroom are among those who don't make it.

When they are thirteen, Katya tells her that she remembers the day she was taken, and she uses the word "taken" and not "saved," as everyone else does if they must broach the subject. Natalya nods curtly, not wanting her to go on, but she does. She says that her parents were alive when it happened and that she is not an orphan, though she is as good as one because her parents think she is dead. She says that she was older than Natalya when they took her, old enough to remember not just her parents but her brothers and their dog and the apartment they lived in. Natalya cannot decide if the other girl is telling the truth or if this is just another one of her fantasies.

That spring, after a fierce storm, the two girls find a fledgling swallow on the ground just outside the small window of their dormitory. Its left wing is broken. Katya cries silently for it until Natalya can't stand it anymore and she climbs out to pick it up with a gentleness she didn't know she had. She knows she should kill it swiftly to put it out of its misery, but she can't do that in front of the other girl. So, she lifts it up, and before long, Katya has made it a little nest out of some cardboard and cloth scraps, and she ever-so-carefully splints its fragile wing. That evening she brings it breadcrumbs she's saved from dinner. Natalya can hardly believe it, but in a few weeks time, the bird is hopping about and flitting its wings. She and Katya open the window for it on one fine summer day, but it won't leave the sill until Katya flicks it slightly, and then they watch it for a while as it darts about the warm landscape, catching bugs in the tall grass. It joins other swallows and eventually flies away. Katya sighs, though she is still smiling wider than Natalya has ever seen, and she says that she would give anything if she could run in that high grass and soak in the warmth of the sun for just an hour. She asks Natalya if she has ever laid on her back and made shapes out of the clouds, and of course the answer is no, and Natalya wonders why she would ever want to do something so pointless.

**-Scene Break-**

When the other girls finally overcome their caution of her, they come at her full force, like a tidal wave, all of them against her, and they taunt her for sucking up to the teachers and for cheating on her tests, because there isn't any other way that she could do so well, they say. One of the superiors hears, one of the few that doesn't favor Natalya, and the matter is brought to her instructors. Most of them don't like it (they try not to let it show, but she is good at reading people) but they agree that cheating cannot go unpunished. They tell her that even if she didn't cheat, they must quell all doubts, and they must make an example of her. She will sport the five scars from the flogging for the rest of her life after that, but she never cries out once. When she is released, Katya cares for the wounds much more fully and tenderly than the doctors did. More than that, she soothes her anger over the wild injustice (because Natalya would never cheat_, never_)and stops her from carrying out the stupid plans she's made to get back at the other girls, advising her to wait until she spars with them in practice. When that time comes, and when one by one the other girls try to exploit her still-wounded back, she is vicious in her revenge, and the instructors only stop her when it seems like she will start breaking bones.

One day, Katya comes home from a month-long mission with deep cuts and dark bruises and a sprained wrist, and Natalya is surprised and put on edge when she sees her injuries. While they eat their evening meal apart from the others, Katya tells how she had to let herself be abused by her targets for the sake of the mission. Fury swells in Natalya, burning hot like flames, as she listens, and her fingers itch to tear out the hearts of whoever it was that beat her. Katya shakes her head; it had to be, and the bad ones are already dead.

As their education continues, the girls who remain learn about their country's enemies. The organization SHIELD is a nuisance, the teachers say, which has grown more and more threatening. They learn that SHIELD agents are not trained as fully as they are, and that they are weak if one only knows how to exploit their flaws.

They train to be stronger all the time. Sometimes, in the dead of winter, they spar in the cold and the snow and the ice, and they learn how to survive in the below-freezing temperatures of their country. Sometimes they have to swim in quick-current rivers, learning to avoid the ice floes. Other times, they track each other during blizzards when the whole world turns white.

Most of the other girls are improving, because it is that or die. When they spar in practice, some of them are no longer as easy to beat as they once were. Zoya Ignatova, a powerful girl who has at least thirty pounds on her, is as quick-thinking as she is strong, and Natalya must use all her skills to overcome her. Alisa Harkova is almost as tiny as Katya, but, like her, she is fierce and can be everywhere at once. Tatyana Doletskaya and Irina Patsayeva used to be only mediocre, but they have changed over the years. Tatyana is tall and willowy, and can kick better than she can punch, while Irina has the opposite strengths.

By the time Natalya is fourteen, less than a third of the original girls remain. She is constantly on alert, because the training is getting more and more difficult, and there is something new in the air, something full of excitement and expectation. Katya has theories, and Natalya knows that she should turn the other girl in for questioning their superiors but somehow she just can't. Katya is always on edge, too, now, and this is more alarming than anything else. The two spend most of their time sparring with each other. Katya is good, but she is not _as_ good, and Natalya feels something that must be _fear _(no, she cannot fear, but her body is telling her otherwise) for her. So, Natalya doesn't just fight with her when it's required in practice, she starts to teach her different techniques, too. At night they stay up after lights out, hiding under the covers of Natalya's bed, reviewing for tests by the light of a pocket flashlight Katya nicked during a mission.

But after they finish their studying, Katya doesn't go directly to sleep. She says things, words Natalya knows the meanings of but doesn't understand, words that scare her almost witless because if Katya was ever caught saying them, she'd be disciplined harshly, and Natalya could never bear that. Natalya knows what religion is, of course, and knows how to exploit it in her targets when applicable. But in the Red Room, religion is scorned. It distracts from the mission. And yet, Katya is talking to God. Natalya doesn't know if there really is a God, but if there is, she doesn't think he's listening because Katya always asks to be allowed to run in the grassland outside their window, and that's never yet happened. Then, she lowers her voice even more (though Natalya can still hear her if she listens very closely) and asks that her family be kept safe.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**The Avengers**_**. **

**Well, this story kind of ran away from me and I'm pretty sure that it's going to be four chapters now instead of two or three. (I ended up writing a lot, and I didn't want to make a 4,000-word chapter.) The next one is going to be shorter than the first two, though. I'm almost finished with Chapter 3 so I should post it by Friday. **

**Just a note: In case anyone was wondering about the weird writing style, I'm experimenting with stream of consciousness, hence the run-on sentences, and present tense. Also, sometimes I feel that I overuse dialogue, so I'm keeping this story dialogue-free. It's not the way I usually write, and I probably won't write many other things this way, but I've enjoyed it so far. **

**Also, I want to thank BethN for reviewing and everyone who is following this story. I really appreciate your support! **

**So, here's the second chapter! I hope you enjoy it. **

**Doubts: Part the Second**

It is a crisp, clear winter morning when the remaining twenty-four girls are ushered outside to a big, snow-covered arena for another training exercise. They are told to choose partners. Natalya looks to Katya, meeting her smile, and takes a step closer to her. None of the other girls will come near her anymore unless they absolutely must.

The instructors then make the girls form a circle, with wide space in between each partnership. Natalya eyes the others in her group; obviously, they are going to do more fighting practice, and since they are all partnered up, this exercise will probably simulate a large battle instead of their more common one-on-one fights. She sizes the other girls up. Tatyana Doletskaya and Irina Patsayeva are a team, and of the group, they will be the hardest pair to beat. Katya shares a glance with her; she is thinking along the same lines. That forbidden sense of pride runs through her when she sees that many of the other teams are looking at her and Katya - the two of them will be a threat.

The girls all fall silent when the head instructor steps into the center of the circle, and begins to speak, confirming Natalya's suspicions. But then she continues, and Natalya can't believe the words she is hearing. Anyone who cannot survive a battle amongst mere girls like them is not needed by the Red Room and has no purpose being in the Black Widow Program, the instructor says. They have been brought here to prove their worth. There is no space for imperfection in the program. They must learn the tricks and ruthlessness of a full-scale battle, or else they are useless. The fight is to the death. The winning two girls will live.

Katya gasps quietly, along with most of the other girls. Natalya has no breath to do so. How can they do this? It doesn't make sense, no sense at all. It's wasting their resources, wasting all the years they spent training them. But of course, it's not, not really. They only want the perfect ones. Horrible as it is, she regains enough breath to sigh in relief. Katya is on her team, so she will be safe.

Then the magnitude of what she's about to do hits her, and she realizes that she has grown up with these girls and that even though she doesn't particularly like most of them, she doesn't want to see them die and she definitely doesn't want to be the one to kill them. She forces down the nausea that has inexplicably risen in her; a battle is no time for sickness.

The instructor steps out of the circle and gives them the signal to begin. For a moment, no one moves, no one even breathes. The air is too thick to do anything but stand there. Though she is as still as everyone else, Natalya's mind is racing, sizing up the strengths of the others, how quick and strong they are and if they will be able to injure her or not. Not that any of it matters, because in that moment she knows that she will kill as many of the others as necessary to make sure that Katya lives. The instructor yells at them that she has given an order and she expects it to be followed.

Someone lashes out, and suddenly the arena explodes with movement. The weaker girls start to scream as they are pounced upon by the others. Natalya throws herself into the fight, her actions smooth and as natural as breathing. She feels more than sees Katya, who blocks attacks that might have otherwise inconvenienced Natalya. For the most part, though, the two of them must seek out their opponents. It is as if a border is around them and others do not want to cross the line. Teachers start shrieking at all of them, urging them not to be cowardly.

The red haze of battle descends upon Natalya's mind, and soon she finds herself in the middle of the fight, screaming for blood. She is a weapon, the most finely crafted of all, and no one can touch her. She dares them to attack her, dares them to even try to get near Katya.

Tatyana is the first girl she kills, snapping her neck cleanly, and that is when the red in her vision gets thicker and a part of her cannot, _will not_, process the fact that she has killed someone she has known her whole life. It is a small part, though, and she must not be distracted, so she buries it deep.

Next to fall before her is Veronika Gorchakova. For some reason she does not fully understand, the crunching of the other girl's bones as she breaks them makes her stomach roil, but she ignores the feeling. She must duck and parry and return other blows, and there is no time to think.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Irina slip past her and strike at Katya's turned back, quick as lightning, but somehow little Katya is faster. She whips around, teeth bared in a snarl, and avoids Irina's deadly punch by a hairsbreadth, then repays her by tripping her and breaking her spine for a quick death. Natalya switches her focus back to her own struggle the moment she knows that Katya is safe, but not before she notices that there are tears streaming down Katya's cheeks.

Natalya pushes her current opponent away with a blow that breaks ribs, just as Zoya Ignatova appears next to her and hits her hard on the jaw. Natalya staggers backwards, barely managing to keep her footing. She hardly has time to duck Zoya's fist a second time, but then she steps closer and lands a hit of her own, kicking the other girl in the stomach. Zoya yells, more in anger than in pain, and before Natalya can register it, the stronger girl's fist smashes into the side of her skull. Pain explodes in her head and she sees bright stars, then her vision dims. Her arms and legs seem strange, like rubber, and it's almost as if she can't control them. She doesn't have time to panic because she can feel herself slipping into cool, soft blackness.

But then Katya screams at her, from somewhere to her side, and her fists clench and she fights out of the darkness because if she loses, Katya will die and that must not happen. Rage rises in her; is she stupid, to have let Zoya hit her twice? She sucks in a ragged breath and she _moves_, because all her training hasn't been for nothing and she is still Natalya Romanova, the efficient one, the unbeatable one, and she'll be damned if she lets Zoya best her this one time.

She steadies herself, and manages to avoid a few more blows while she waits for her head to clear. She makes Zoya think that she is done for by attempting a few flailing attacks that her opponent dodges easily. She pretends to stumble, and Zoya goes in for a laughably easy kill, but in a heartbeat Natalya straightens up and punches the other girl in the throat, then follows that up with a savage kick to the head. The blood starts flowing and Zoya crumbles to the ground, and her eyes glaze over and then she stops moving.

It seems like it goes on forever, but when the red haze in her vision clears and no one else steps up before her to die and the instructors have stopped goading them on, Natalya quells the shaking of her muscles and stands tall. There is blood everywhere, smeared on her face and hands and clothing, and most of it does not belong to her. She is standing among the grisly, twisted forms of the dead. She is calm, very calm, and her mind is very empty.

Katya struggles over to her side, breathing hard and her long hair tangled and matted with blood. Her lower lip trembles and her eyes are blotchy red, but she is alive and that is all Natalya will allow herself to care about.

A man Natalya has never seen before strides up, not seeming to care that he is stepping on corpses. He is tall and well-built and has icy blue eyes. He neither smiles nor frowns as he stares at the two of them. He tells them that they have progressed to the next level of their training in the Black Widow Program, and that their nation depends on them, and if they fail, they will shame not only the Red Room but the entire country. He turns away as quickly as he came, and then Natalya and Katya are led away from the field of death.

**-Scene-**

They do not take many classes anymore. Instead, their lives are made up of mission after mission after mission. There are so many people that must be killed, and sometimes the sheer number baffles Natalya.

Because she is almost always away, working a job, she almost never sees Katya. They don't even share a dorm anymore. Sometimes, in rare quiet moments, she wonders about the other girl and if she is all right, and she wonders if Katya has found someone else to tell her stories to. Most of her hopes that she has, because story-telling makes her happy, but another part of Natalya worries that anyone else will turn Katya in and then Katya will be punished. But she never thinks about this for long periods of time, because she knows she must never be distracted from her missions.

When she does return to the Red Room, the same man who spoke to them in the arena on that long-ago day waits for her. Natalya now knows that he is the Winter Soldier, one of the legends of their country, and she always feels that tiny sense of pride that _he _wants to talk with _her_. Sometimes, almost never, in fact, he will smile at her, and that makes her stomach flutter and she wishes that he would smile more. He promises her that if she continues on her path, and always works harder, that one day she will be as important as he is, and will bring as much glory to their nation. She wants that to happen very, very badly, because she wants him to admire her the way she admires him.

One day, they meet in a hallway as she is heading to her room, and he kisses her. She feels blissful triumph curl through her body, and then he smiles at her and tells her that there will be another grand mission waiting for her when she wakes up. She doesn't walk so much as float back to her room, and thinks to herself that the day could not get any better.

Someone is waiting by her bedroom door when she reaches it. It is Katya, and Natalya rushes to her and allows herself to hug her. She grins, and it is not until she steps back that she sees it. Although Katya is smiling right back at her, her eyes are wide and much sadder than the last time they met.

Natalya opens the door and they walk into her room. It is spare, to an even greater degree than it was when it had bunk beds and they shared it. There is a small bed with standard white sheets in the corner, a sleek metal nightstand next to it, and a plain chest of drawers shoved under the window.

Katya stands on her tip-toes and stares out that window. She says very quietly that her own room does not have a window and that she misses looking out at the plain and seeing the clouds. Then she turns around and notices Natalya still smiling and asks why she is so happy. Natalya tells her all about the Winter Soldier (the information that she is permitted to tell, anyway) and she cannot help the way her voice rises when she talks about how handsome he is, and how he just kissed her.

Katya gives her that same sad smile and tells her that she is glad for her. Natalya notices a thin scar on the other girl's cheek and asks about it, but the answer is vague and Natalya feels unsettled because Katya has never hidden anything from her before.

They do not talk for a long while, until finally Katya breaks the silence and whispers that she is afraid.

Natalya shakes her head angrily and tells her that she shouldn't ever be afraid, and Katya says that she knows but she can't help it because she feels that _something _is going to happen. She won't tell Natalya exactly what that something is, and Natalya worries. She thinks back to the last time she and Katya have really talked, and realizes that it was before the day that all the other girls died. She does remember being upset at Katya's inconsolable tears that night, which she didn't understand because they had won and why couldn't she just be grateful that they were alive? The day after that, they had been separated. Natalya realizes that Katya is not the same girl she used to be, and she doesn't like it at all.

She decides that she should change the subject, because it is dangerous. She waits a few minutes before asking the other girl to tell her a story. Katya sighs, shakes her head, and says that she can't remember any of the good ones anymore. Natalya feels something twist in her chest and she asks her again because she knows that she can recall them if she just tries. Katya protests again, but after Natalya asks her the third time (she does not say "please" because she must not beg, ever) she nods once and begins with the words "Once upon a time."

This story is different from the old ones, though. The villain murders the princess before the hero can reach her, and Katya chooses her words so well that Natalya can _feel _his distress at losing his love. The hero then leads an army against the villain for revenge, but both forces are destroyed and the hero is mortally wounded, and it is only with his dying breaths that he manages to finally slay the villain. When the story is finished, Natalya rubs at her eyes quickly and orders Katya to tell a better one, but Katya says she doesn't know any. Natalya doesn't think that this is very fair, and says so, but the other girl only tells her that it is the way of the world, and it is a good story because the hero never forgot his honor.

Time stops and for a brief moment Natalya wonders how _Katya _has become the one telling _her _to be practical. She feels something snap inside her, the way a neck snaps when she breaks it. A little later, Katya stands up to leave, and makes for the door, but as she opens it she turns around and looks back and meets her eyes, and says that she wishes it was different. When she leaves and shuts the door behind her, Natalya feels a searing pain, though she has no recent injuries, and all she can do is bury herself underneath her blankets and wait for sleep to come.

**So, thoughts? Predictions? Tell me what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**The Avengers**_**.**

**I want to thank everyone who favorite and followed this story, and of course, my wonderful reviewers: BethN, babyvfan, and Guest. Reviews are what fuel my creative ability! **

**Like I said in Part Two, this is a short chapter. It was kind of painful to write, but it had to be done. I hope you enjoy it! **

**Doubts: Part the Third**

It is winter again. Natalya wakes at dawn, as she usually does, and washes and dresses before reading the mission file that has been slipped under her door. There is not much to it, only instructions to report to the hangar deck, where she will be flown to a small train station. From there, she will board a train that will take her to St. Petersburg. Her orders are to kill an unnamed operative whom she is warned will be dangerous. The Winter Soldier sees her off, and lets her know that this is final stage of her training and she only has to complete this one mission to finally gain the title of Black Widow. She is pleased, because he seems happy with her.

On the train, she glimpses a small, dark-haired girl who is all alone and crying that she is lost. Natalya does not know why (well, she does, but she won't think about it just now), but she goes over to the child and waits with her until her mother rushes over and envelopes the girl in a tight hug, soothing her renewed tears. She thanks Natalya, and smiles so sincerely at her that Natalya smiles back.

She sits down in her seat again and she knows that once, Katya would have done the same thing she has just done, and she feels a dull ache that she does her best to banish. Ever since they met again on the night that Winter Soldier first kissed Natalya, Katya grew more distant and so much more different. Even when they managed to be together, Katya would never tell her stories, and she would never tell Natalya that she was scared, and she would never laugh. Soon, Katya stopped seeking her out when they were at the Red Room at the same time, and when Natalya once tried to speak with her, Katya shrugged her off. When sometimes they were made to spar, Katya was vicious, and she didn't apologize afterwards for the (albeit minor) wounds she had inflicted on Natalya as she always had before, walking away quickly and refusing to talk to her.

When the train reaches St. Petersburg, she receives a message from her superiors that they have gained intelligence as to where the other operative will be. They give her the address of some city alleyway and tell her to be there at four in the afternoon.

Natalya is there at the appointed time, a gun concealed at her sides and a few knives similarly tucked under her heavy coat. The weak winter sun is enough to illuminate most of the alley, and the place is deserted.

The second she hears footsteps, she slips off her coat and crouches to spring, and she is mid-jump when she sees a flash of blonde hair, but the information barely registers and she pounces on the other operative. They roll around on the ground, silently trading blow for blow, until they break apart and Natalya's stomach drops out of her.

Little Katya stands before her, her icy eyes clear and tear-free, a fresh cut on her lip trickling blood.

Natalya sputters as she asks if Katya was given the same mission and if this is all just a mistake, but as the words leave her lips she knows that there are no mistakes. She knows exactly what is going on and that it has all been planned from the start, and that the superiors must be watching them even now. She realizes how blind she has been, hoping, always hoping, helping Katya train and protecting her, when it was all for nothing. There is only one Black Widow.

Katya doesn't answer the question directly, but she does say that they'll both be killed for incompetence and disobedience if one of them doesn't die now, and she takes a step towards Natalya and Natalya reacts and then they are locked in fluid movement, falling into the old rhythm of their practice fights, but the familiarity is not comforting.

It takes time to process the fact that Katya is trying to kill her, _trying to kill her_, and Natalya's brain starts operating on automatic as it has been conditioned to for so many long years. She gains the upper hand, as she usually does, and then she goes on offense. Katya starts to give ground. Natalya raises her fist to deal a death blow, but then she sees Katya's cold, hard, _empty _eyes and she remembers the person Katya used to be, and she knows in that instant that she _cannot_, _will not_, kill Katya Kiryakova, the girl who told stories and nursed that swallow and took care of her injuries and who prayed every night - that girl who was so full of the life and joy that Natalya has never had.

She reels and jumps backward, her arms falling limp at her sides. Katya looks at her and shakes her head and screams at her, screams that damn it, Natalya, why won't she kill her? This question shocks her more than any other (because doesn't Katya want to live?) but everything is clearer than it has ever been before. Natalya shakes her head slowly. She drops her hand to her first gun and throws it to the ground, in between herself and Katya. She then hurls her three throwing knives away in one movement. She sees Katya looking at her in what she thinks is horror, but she almost feels like smiling because she knows exactly what she is doing, and she tells her that she isn't going to kill her. That old, forbidden pride washes through her and she welcomes it because it means she is doing the right thing.

Katya frowns and there is silence for one long, tense moment, but then she smiles widely and even from where Natalya is standing, she can see a spark of life in the other girl's eyes. Katya looks so happy and it's too much to contain inside and she wants to laugh, laugh her relief to the skies. It's all going to be all right because she's not going to kill Katya and she is so glad that the other girl understands. She doesn't care what happens so long as she doesn't have to kill her.

Katya takes a few, slow steps back, and the bliss on her face is so good to see after such a long time of seeing her so unhappy. The fair-haired girl digs into her shirt pocket and Natalya thinks she pulls out a very tiny knife but then she sees that it's a vial full of some kind of liquid. Horror flows through her again, even worse this time, because she suddenly understands what Katya is going to do _and she can't let her do that_. She hears frantic cries of _no_ rip from her own throat and she leaps forward, but she knows she is too late even as she cannons into the smaller girl, knocking them both to the ground. Katya lifts up the now-empty vial and starts to _laugh_, but it becomes a cough and Natalya can tell that her throat is closing up.

Katya takes her hand and tells her not to dare feel badly, this was her decision and she is proud of it, that she is happy that her death means something. Then she starts to shake, as if she has a bad fever, and she says something about God Almighty protecting them and that she is going to be happy with him because he forgives her for everything she has done. Natalya grabs her discarded coat and covers Katya with it, ordering her not to speak because she has to save her strength. Katya ignores her, though, and starts whispering very softly, so that Natalya must strain to hear her. A tear slips down Katya's cheek as she chokes out some nonsense that she has a cousin, that she has a cousin and she's _here _but it doesn't matter because she's alive, and she says that her name is "Yelova" or something but Natalya can barely hear her. Her voice is sliding all over the place and she is talking fast, like she doesn't have time to get the words out. Natalya is crying (she has never cried like this before, never ever and this can't be happening because Katya must not die). Katya takes a labored, jagged breath and squeezes her hand, and says to remember the honorable heroes from the stories, and then she tells her, _begs_ her to do one thing for her.

Natalya promises that she will do anything, anything, if Katya will just _live_. Katya ignores her and asks her to run through the high grass on the plain in the summertime and make pictures of the clouds, for her. Natalya can barely hear herself over her loud, racking sobs, but she promises that she will, that they _both _will someday because Katya is going to live. Katya just laughs and she starts convulsing and she tells Natalya that she loves her and her eyes mist over. The convulsions stop. And Natalya screams.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**The Avengers.**_

**Note**: **I just wanted to point out that in this story, the Red Room is not representative of the Russian government. They're more of a secret nationalist organization that tries to influence Russian politics. On the other hand, Natasha believes that the Red Room is completely legitimate and trying to protect the country. **

**Well, folks, this is it: the last chapter. I hope you've enjoyed reading the story as much as I've enjoyed writing it. For anyone who's interested, I have a couple of other Avengers stories posted, and I will soon post a much larger, slow-building BlackHawk story. It's still in the works right now, but it'll be up in a couple of weeks at most. **

**Once again, I want to extend a huge thank you to my loyal reviewers: BethN, babyvfan, Guest, and viressiel. You have all been such an inspiration and I really do treasure your reviews. Also, I can't forget everyone who followed and favorited. I wish I could give you all a plate full of just-out-of-the-oven chocolate chip cookies (or whatever it is you like). Thanks!**

**Doubts: Part the Fourth**

What is there to say? Katya is dead.

Katya is dead and there is nothing Natalya can do about it.

She doesn't remember much about that night, only that she sobbed and screamed and wouldn't move from Katya's cold body until some instructor picked her up and dragged her away. Although she was on another mission the very next day, she was operating on automatic, and she knows she will never be the same again.

The first time the Winter Soldier saw her after Katya's death, he was happier than she had ever seen him. He picked her up and spun her around, laughing, and said that she had done well, that now she was the Black Widow. Then he had kissed her, and she had tried to at least pretend to be happy. (It was a good thing that she was such an actress.) And then he had done more than just kiss her. Two weeks before, she would have been glad, but now she can't bring herself to care about anything, even sex with _him_.

She starts going on missions with Winter Soldier. He lives up to all her expectations. He is as efficient as she is, as quick as she is, as good a shot as she is. He is stronger than anyone she has ever met, and he is clever, too. Her pride in him is solidified when she sees that he always does his utmost to protect the country.

One day, she is given a solo mission, and she is personally briefed by one of the highest-ranking officials in the Red Room. She can sense his barely-concealed excitement as he explains the details of her mission. He says that there is a certain politician, Dreykov, who is leading a movement that is dangerous to the country, and the Red Room has tried everything but he is too stubborn and short-sighted and he will not agree with them. They have been left with only one option, and they do not like it, but they must always put the country first.

The official continues on and says that there is a special assignment for her to complete. The goal of this mission is so important that he tells her they will keep in contact by the old earpiece communication-link system. Natalya nods and wonders what the official is leading up to. He takes a step towards her and says that in order to manipulate Dreykov into folding, they must torture his only living relative, his daughter. The Winter Soldier comes in and tells Natalya that soon, when she succeeds, their country will be safe. She does not react, does not allow herself to think about what is going to happen.

Breaking into the Dreykov mansion is nothing special. The outdoor guards don't see her when, under the cover of darkness, she climbs the eight-foot stone wall that surrounds the estate and slips right under their eyes. Temporarily disarming the security system is easy enough, because she has memorized all the codes. She walks calmly into the house, and kills the four guards inside the grand entrance hall before they can respond. Then, she walks up the large spiral staircase, alert but not nervous, because the servants have the night off for a minor holiday and Dreykov is out celebrating.

Anya Dreykova's door is not locked, so Natalya lets herself into her well-lit room. The girl's eyes widen and she screams in shock. A few years ago, Natalya might have flinched at the sight. Her superiors have neglected to mention that she and Dreykova are about the same age. The girl trembles as Natalya subdues her with a kick (though she cannot bring herself to put much force into it). She whimpers and doesn't try to struggle when Natalya binds her hands and feet. The target subdued, Natalya installs a bug that will transmit the audio in the room to her superiors, who will, in turn, transmit it to Dreykov. Then she activates her personal communication link.

As she has been instructed to, Natalya very carefully explains the Red Room's reasons to the girl. Dreykova shakes her head wildly, and protests, saying that her father does not care about her all that much compared to his cause and hurting her will be useless. It will be a needless injustice, she says. Natalya shrugs - her life is about following orders, and it does not matter what the girl says. The superior commands her to begin.

The girl begins to cry before Natalya has even landed the first punch. It is not a strong hit, but Dreykova's knees buckle and she drops to the ground, writhing pathetically. After another half-hearted blow on Natalya's part, the girl starts pleading. She will do anything, she says, if only Natalya will stop. The voice in her ear urges her to keep going, because Dreykov has not yet given up.

Natalya happens to glance into the girl's eyes, and she realizes her mistake an instant later. She sees fear and uncertainty and betrayal, and it is more than she can take. Her superior tells her to make Dreykova scream. _Make her scream. _Natalya knows what she should do. Her superiors want her to get creative with her knives, they want pain, they want blood. She thinks about how Winter Soldier would agree with them, would want her to save the country. And it's weak of her, she knows, but she just can't. She clicks off her com link, leans forward, and hisses in such a low tone that the bug will not pick up her words. She tells Dreykova that she will not torture her if she screams loud enough, and the girl nods frantically. Natalya switches the com link back on, and luckily her superior seems not to notice the blip.

She gestures, and Dreykova obediently starts shrieking. It goes on for a while. Sometimes, her screams sound a little fake, but Natalya only has to frown and take a step forward to make the girl's terror real. Dreykova eventually begins to alternate between pleading, whimpering and screaming. Natalya's superior constantly goads her on, believing in her deception, and Natalya can only be grateful for her skill in lying. Outwardly, she is as calm as ever, but inside, she is shaking. She is disobeying, and she deserves to die, doesn't she? But if she can achieve the same goal without harming the girl, then does it matter? Russia will be safe.

It has been about half an hour, and Dreykova is starting to sound hoarse. The superior orders Natalya to stop, no longer sounding pleased. He tells her that Dreykov has not changed his mind, and that Russia is in danger because of it. They must show him his mistake, and its consequences.

He tells her to kill Dreykova.

Natalya freezes. "_Do not question orders_" is one of the first things she ever learned. She should not _care _what happens to this pathetic person, especially not if her death will benefit the country.

She shouldn't, but she doesn't _want_ to kill her. If she disobeys, though, she will die, and the girl will likely be killed by another operative anyway. This is not something she can hide from the Red Room. An image of Katya flashes through her mind, and she flinches involuntarily. She doesn't have to think about what Katya would do, she knows it already, but she is not like Katya. She is the Black Widow, and she was never meant for mercy or kindness. She has already broken the rules enough for this girl.

Before she can decide otherwise, she springs into action, snapping Dreykova's spine. It is a quick and painless death, but the image of the girl's wide, terrified eyes a second before the blow lands burns itself into her brain. She cannot get rid of it, but she buries it deep because if she keeps seeing it every time her eyes close, she will no longer be effective.

The word "injustice" rings through her head, but she doesn't understand what it means, only that its opposite is a fetter to the weak.

**-Scene-**

When she returns to the Red Room, Winter Soldier tells her that she should be satisfied with what she has done - she did her best to protect the nation, he says. She walks very quickly back to her dorm and barely makes it to her bathroom before she throws up all over the cold, white floor.

A couple of days later, a superior approaches her, holding a newspaper in his hands. He says in a very solemn voice that Dreykova's body was found unmarked apart from the broken neck and a few minor bruises. He asks why.

Nervousness floods through her, but she masters it as she masters everything else. She must handle this with care. She says that she doesn't like to leave visible marks, that she much prefers the psychological torture she has been taught to use.

The superior smiles suddenly and tells her that truly, she is the Black Widow.

**-Scene-**

One day, she is on a mission with Winter Soldier. They are in a small town, removing some rebels who have sheltered here. The bothersome fools just won't _surrender_. They don't seem to realize that their choices are life in prison or death, and that there is no third option.

If Natalya has learned anything throughout her life, it is that there is _never _a third option.

She faces off with four armed men, her guns against theirs, and by now they have realized that they are not in a good position, so they take cover behind some overturned farming equipment and try to shoot her from there.

All of a sudden, a thin, coughing boy runs out from one of the cottages and in between herself and the men. He starts pleading with all of them to stop as a woman screams at him in fear from an open window.

The rebels do not seem to care about the tiny boy, and therefore Natalya must not care either. She must not have any weaknesses, not here, not now, not when so much is at stake. A bullet flies, much too close to the boy. Natalya knows she must shoot back even if she must risk hitting the scrawny child, but before she can force herself to pull the trigger, Winter Soldier appears, avoiding the shots of the rebels, and tackles the boy to the ground. Natalya covers him as he picks the boy up and carries him to her side of the standoff, keeping the trembling child safely behind them.

Later, when all the rebels are either dead or captured, Winter Soldier personally returns the boy to his mother and his young siblings. Natalya has never been prouder of him, and she lets him know with a smile and a kiss. He looks at her, and his eyes seem softer than ever, less icy somehow, but they are also a little confused. Then, he tells her that he doesn't belong here. She thinks this is strange, and she worries that he may be sick, so when they are debriefed after the mission she mentions it to one of her superiors.

That night, when she is alone in her room, she sits on top of the chest of drawers and stares out the window at the snow-covered plain and thinks of a girl she once knew, and then she thinks of the Winter Soldier and a smile comes to her lips. She does not know exactly why, but the words "Once upon a time" come out of her mouth, and before she knows what she is doing, she is telling a story, a proper story, about a brave hero who risks his life for the lowly even though he is the best of the best because he has the honor Katya talked about so much. The ending is a happy one in which the hero marries his red-haired love, and everything is smoothly tied together just the way it should be.

The next time she sees the Winter Soldier, he is as cold and distant as the day she first met him, and he notices the question in her eyes and tells her that he was ill, but that he is better now.

They go on another mission to an impoverished cluster of villages somewhere in the west of the country. The area has been hit with a terrible disease for which there is no vaccine. It spreads quickly, and survivors are rare. A hospital has been set up to care for the ill, and to separate them from the rest of the people.

Natalya is not sure what they are supposed to do, but Winter Soldier seems to know and she trusts him to tell her everything she needs in order to complete the mission.

When they arrive at the makeshift hospital, which has been set up in a large but old, ramshackle wooden church, Natalya goes inside and sees about forty people laid on cots. Some are old, some are young and look as though they were used to hard labor, and others are mere toddlers who gurgle at her despite their illness. There are not enough doctors and nurses, and those that are there seem very tired. Natalya opens a window and steals the key to the front door from the pocket of the head doctor as Winter Soldier told her to, then goes back outside to report to him. She finds him pouring gasoline all over the foundation of the old church. She delivers her report quickly, but before she can even ask him what he's doing, he lights a match and sets fire to the building. She gasps in surprise, but he ignores her as he stalks over to the window she opened and ignites the interior curtain.

But there are people in there, she tells him, her voice barely controlled. Sick people, sick _children_ are in there. He grabs the key from her and locks the hospital's front door, then spins around angrily and tells her that the disease the people have is highly contagious and they must prevent it from spreading throughout Russia.

She starts to tremble (any other moment, she would be ashamed of looking afraid, but it does not matter right now), and reminds him that these people have done nothing wrong, that they are _innocent. _He frowns, and shouts at her that it doesn't matter because they are dangerous, and then he orders her to stop questioning him.

She cannot believe this is happening. The people in the building start pounding on the door, yelling in terror, and she runs towards it to open it for them but Winter Soldier grabs her, restraining her. She loses control of her voice and screams out a _No! _that is so frantic she can barely understand herself.

Winter Soldier lifts her up and shuts her in the car they drove here with. She watches helplessly as one of the doctors struggles out a window, and Winter Soldier shoots him because he might be carrying the disease.

Winter Soldier finally gets back in the car and drives away from the burning hospital. Natalya stares at the bright flames that scratch the sky until they disappear in the rearview mirror. The one thing she needs to hear from him is that it was the right thing to do and that everything will be fine – any trite lecture about the greater good will suffice, will be enough to make her forget. But he doesn't say anything, and a cold feeling settles in her because she knows that despite everything, what they have just done was _wrong. _

They have been driving for a few hours when he suddenly starts speaking and tells her that she distracts him and they are better off alone.

The same terrible twisting feeling that she felt when Katya died begins all over again in her chest, but this time she makes her own eyes icy and nods once at him. Her voice is hard and uncompromising when she tells him that she agrees, making it sound as if it was her idea all along.

The two of them are congratulated on their successful mission by their superiors when they return, but the praise makes Natalya ill and she lashes out at them, snapping that she has done her duty, and then shutting herself up in her room.

What happened to the man who saved that little boy only a few months ago, to the man who had so much honor? She remembers learning about honor from the stories, and that heroes have it and keep to it no matter what. She does not have honor, she has known that for a long time. But she always thought that Winter Soldier had it, that Winter Soldier was the greatest man alive. She is sure, though, that massacring innocents is not honorable. She would never believe that this has happened if she didn't know that the picture of the flaming building in her head will never go away. Nor, either, will the screams of the victims that play constantly through her mind like some macabre symphony. Winter Soldier _murdered _them, and she stood by and _let_ him. The two of them are monsters, the kind that are righteously slain in Katya's stories.

It is then that Natalya realizes that heroes do not and never will exist.

* * *

**P.S. A second plate of hypothetical cookies goes to anyone who can figure out why Winter Soldier saved the little boy, and why he had a character shift afterwards. (It's not that cryptic, so you should all get it pretty easily!) :) **


End file.
